How to be Assertive

Calmly and cooly state your opinion and suggestions

Being assertive doesn’t mean bossing people around or always wanting your own way. Scott Beagrie discovers the positive side to assertiveness, and explains how you can become more assured in the office

Do you feel respected in the workplace? Are you accepted by others and are they receptive to what you have to say? Are you regularly consulted for advice? If not, it’s probably high time that you asserted yourself better.

That doesn’t mean you have to be overly opinionated or authoritarian – and it certainly isn’t about shouting to get your point across or brow-beating others into supporting your policies or following your agenda. Assertiveness is about being strong, able to express your opinion, standing up for yourself, negotiating clear boundaries and not letting others take advantage. It also conveys self-esteem and capability and will help you to be more effective and successful in your career. While some individuals are more naturally assertive than others, it is possible for anyone to acquire the necessary behaviors and attributes required to come across as a more assertive person.

Make the decision

First off, you have to genuinely want to do it. It’s no good privately saying to yourself: ‘It’s not really me but I have to be seen to make the effort’.

Watch other people in different situations, take small snippets from them and build something which works for you. Once you have it in your head, you will find ways to show it and people will see it in ways you had not anticipated.
Julia Middleton, CEO, Common Purpose

“If it’s a show it won’t work,” says Julia Middleton, CEO of Common Purpose, a leadership development consultancy. “If your whole self-worth and image is built on you being the opposite of assertive and you like it that way, then don’t let anyone persuade you otherwise.”

Be clear what you want to achieve

Acknowledge and face up to your passive side and compile a list of non-assertive behavioural qualities that you’d like to leave behind. Alongside this, think about the specific goals that these changes will help you to realise. These could typically include negotiating a pay increase, being put in the frame for promotion or securing the desired outcome at an important meeting.

Be careful not to relentlessly pursue your own agenda at the cost of the organisation or other individuals though. It is far better and more effective to spend time communicating how your efforts relate to departmental or organisational goals and why it is relevant to them.

Work on your presence

Self-confidence and conviction are intrinsic to assertiveness but neither can be picked up overnight. How you talk, walk, dress and generally conduct yourself will all have a bearing on how you come across so focus on improving these specific areas. Run through what you want to say in a range of potentially awkward scenarios and practice delivering it until it sounds natural and not like it has been scripted. If necessary, enlist the help of friends and trusted colleagues to put it to the test and to discover what can work.

The responses from these dry runs can indicate whether you’re expressing your thoughts in the right way and if your communication style and tone is appropriate. “Learn from the feedback you receive to calibrate and adjust your assertiveness properly,” says Middleton. Consider also signing up for courses on exerting influence, presenting effectively and building self-esteem.

Learn to refuse requests

As a manager you’ll likely make dozens of decisions every day but one of the toughest can be to say no when confronted with a request. State your reason for turning it down clearly and firmly. Be direct. Keep your response short and pay close attention to the control and tone of your voice. Resist the temptation to make excuses and don’t feel bad or guilty about saying no.

Also be alert to the impact of non-verbal communication so maintain good eye contact with the individual as you’re stating your case and make sure there is no room for negotiation.

Watch and copy role models

Closely observing the actions of others who excel at assertiveness can also be beneficial when it comes to understanding how different management styles and approaches can work in difficult situations. “Watch other people in different situations, take small snippets from them and build something which works for you,” suggests Middleton. “Once you have it in your head, you will find ways to show it and people will see it in ways you had not anticipated.”

Assess your assertiveness

Get into the habit of evaluating your performance after each real situation you encounter. Accept that you may not always be entirely successful every time but learn from the experience and don’t be put off. The more real-life encounters you have in the work environment, the easier it will become to act and behave in an assertive manner.